I changed and switched

I left this behind to try out wordpress.
http://tantujin.wordpress.com
We'll see how it goes. haha.

Scribblings from a diary

5th March 2006

6:55 am
I enjoy watching the sun rise. Every time I see the light peeking out from beyond the clouds, it seems to me like there is hope once again. That little bit of hope keeps me going back to watch it every morning, just to feel like my life is headed somewhere brighter than it looks.

Today is no different. I am sitting here on my usual bench at Plaid's Park, waiting for the darkness to fade again. This is the only time in the day when I feel relaxed and free of frustration. Yet I dread the sunrise. It marks the start of another day in my pent-up life; another day spent lamenting my fate; another day spent lumbering around begging for work to do.

Some people say that the watching the sunrise is the most enjoyable thing in the world. I beg to differ. I believe that the moment just before the sunrise is way more beautiful. It is at that moment that you realise that everything that you had been waiting for was about to happen. In that fleeting instant, you enjoy the warmth of hope infused with the certainty that your hope will be duly rewarded. You know that intense happiness will follow. And you know you will feel hopeful and beautiful again.

That is the most enjoyable thing in the world.

Words from a foreign land speak with such beauty

Ah, isn't Italian beautiful?


Non c'è - Laura Pausini

c'è means 'there is', non c'è means 'there is not'.

Sometimes when I sit and wonder, I realise that I have wasted a lot of time. Like half of my June.

Scribblings from a diary

April 25th 2006
7:43 pm
The nurse just handed me this little cup of bitter medicine. She said that it would help to stop the pain that I had been complaining about. But I hate that stupid little cup. The black water inside swirls around like the dark snake in my nightmares. I haven't been able to sleep well lately because of the pain. It feels like someone is constantly jabbing from the inside with a blunt knife; a dull, throbbing pain that never seems to stop.

I had a visitor today. An old man with horn-rimmed glasses came by the ward earlier in the afternoon. He didn't enter, but I could see him through the glass window. I wonder why he stood there looking at me for such a long time, I don't even recognise him. Of course, I don't recognise anyone at all, besides Anne and the other people who come in here everyday.

I hate not knowing. In fact, it gripes me with such a shuddering vice-like grip that I feel extremely annoyed every time I feel that way. Every person who comes in here, every person who looks at me, everyone who seems to recognise me, everything they say to try to jog my memory again; I don't get all of it. And I hate it. Terribly.

Why won't someone come and stop my pain?
ti odio

A series of pictures

This is a video I made with clips recorded using a Panasonic LX3. I know it isn't great, but it's my maiden try and hopefully I'll be able to produce better-quality stuff soon.



Making a video was probably something I had to try someday, alongside tons of other things. It's June. May wasn't that good, and now it's June. We'll see.

Scratch that itch

I was browsing the internet for clever business ideas when I chanced upon a remarkable idea (at least, to me), a female urination device, Go-Girl. Quite obviously, I am no expert in waste expulsion, but this idea had me captivated. At the beginning, I had no idea how this concept could be applied. While the thought of a portable urinal was slightly appealing, I couldn't see how people would take to that idea.

Then it hit me. You see, it is a common mistake to use ourselves as a reference in our thoughts and imagination. When you think of a task, you rate its difficulty according to the probability of you completing it. When you see a new tool, you rate its usefulness by thinking about how it could add to your life. This is a fundamental flaw which waters down the many ingenious ideas that we have. It was therefore natural for me to assume that this device had no place on the shelves.

As I pushed those bigoted thoughts aside and thought about it, this could actually be immutably useful. Not to me, of course, but to females who might find themselves in circumstances where a privy is either unavailable or undesirable. The adventurer, the traveller, the hygiene-zealot, the concerned mother, the person who always needs the restroom at the worst times; they could all use one of these (each).

If nothing else, this has given me a crucial lesson: scratch your own itch. It is much easier to solve a problem when you know it inside out. Just as extraordinary things are done in extraordinary situations, the best ideas you'll have come from the problems which plague you most. If you want an idea you'll feel passionate about, scratch your own itch. It's the best way you'll know what feels best.

In our big quest to attain what we think are the ingredients for a good life, we often forget to actually live. I came across an interesting blog, http://www.fourhourworkweek.com/blog/, created by Tim Ferriss, author of "The Four-hour work week". He advocates living your life the way you really want it to be, and not be trapped by your own dreams.

Reading about his life and methods made me think about my own. What have I been doing to further myself, to bring me closer to my dreams? Have I lapsed into a mechanical subservience, something I'm so strongly against? What have I done to change the world around me, to make it a better and more enjoyable place? And when answers return, mostly negative, I ask 'why not?' Why haven't I tried to make my life a little happier, even when I know how I can do so?

There is something odd about how people perceive happiness. Happiness is such an abstract concept that we try to place it into definite terms, by associating it to goals and targets that we set for ourselves. We tell ourselves that if we achieve 'this', we will be happy; if we get 'this', we will be in a better place than we are at - we will be happier.

Look 2 years into the past and think about what you wanted back then. Those were the fluffy 'dreams' that consumed us 2 years ago. These goals and targets could've been anything; the job you had wanted, the grades you yearned for, the windfall in the lottery, the new gadget on the market, the clothes you wanted to purchase. I believe at least some of these goals, especially the practical ones, have been fulfilled and checked off your list. But how much happier are you, compared to 2 years ago?

We have an ever-changing list of things to check off, and we tell ourselves we will be fully happy when this list is completed. But therein lies the problem; we are open to stimuli every day, shaping and changing this list of goals and targets along the way. We are yearning for a happiness which is determined on the completion of a non-exhaustive list. We are chasing the end of a race which doesn't end.

Goals are not evil. They allow us to put deadlines and craft the path to meet our dreams. It is not the result of an action which changes the course of our happiness, but our perception of this path towards this action. A happiness derived from enjoyment is much more fulfilling than one derived from attainment. Understanding this frees us from the chase in an unending race. Real happiness is within ourselves, and learning to overcome the plague of associating happiness to something else is what prevents us from experiencing it.

Good day, May!

Hey guess what?! I was right! My May is turning out a little better already. Today I received some good news which made my day immutably better.

Nonetheless, it does not remove the fact that I have become a lazy person after lazing around for a few days too long. Not only has my urge to exercise waned into a sombre slumber, I found myself with zero desire to be productive while I had some time at home. Instead, I gave in to easy entertainment and carefree (and careless) humour. This is not right; this has to stop.

While my May has skidded up a little ramp, I'm going to have to put in a little more effort so that June will be just as fine. And that I shall do.

May rolls around and says hello

And for the first time in a long while, tu jin felt unwell (enough) to go to sleep at 10pm! It isn't especially good when he's already on leave tomorrow and has the day available, but life is tough, isn't it?

It's May! Time moves quickly when you don't really do anything substantial with it. I almost don't recall anything that happened between April 11 and tonight. Well one course which I (vaguely) conducted ended, I started going for parade rehearsals, I quit a potential small business at its infancy, I began watching comedies and became mildly addicted (they're addictive, aren't they?), and this period of time was plagued and tainted by procrastination. Lots of it.

Now that it's (mid)May, there's only fewer than six months before the big day comes around. Like so many other people, I am full of hope that I will be prepared for when it arrives. Such moments happen not too often, and many times we are bogged down by no one but ourselves. Alright that doesn't sound right, but it'll do.

Guess what? I think I've learnt quite enough in the last 16 months to call it pretty worthwhile. Not that this means I'll convert it into a life-long career or that I've actually used what I'd learnt, but it has let me go through things that not many people can say they have. (Don't you just hate how we forget stuff just when we're trying to remember them, because that's what just happened.)

There's two-thirds of May remaining and they're going to be awesome. But I bet everyone's May is going to be just as great, so.. we'll see!

Burn saturdays, burn
Like the summer sun you'll burn.
Scorching, torching, however willing
The pain, the heat, still pinches.
On a whim and a fancy, life takes a turn
For good or for worse, a chance not spurned
It snakes and slithers, creeps upon you
Like a sunny storm, it plays on surprise
Raring, raging and baring its teeth
Its mind bent on writhing agony
Yet all it takes to persuade such a demon
Is the curl of the lips, a smile unwavered

Now to alleviate the pain of reading that, here's a picture!
Oh well, going to get busy soon, and I'm not doing anything (much) yet! This is not right. It's already mid-April! Ah, the plight of a lazy person.

Zipbras

moo..

I'm losing my focus. I can't let that happen, can I?
They lied when they said people could multi-task. I don't seem to possess that ability. I think I'm a thick, slow-brained freak of nature. It isn't good when everything seems to catch your attention. When that happens you just can't do anything well. You get distracted by little things, dragged back by tiny details, held behind because you don't spend time on the important things. Now the important things seem more important than ever, and I have lesser time than I had before. What a waste, I say.

The littlest things

Sometimes we get frustrated by the smallest things.
Sometimes the best day is ruined by a little mishap.
We view happiness as an ideal, as a perfect emotion to work towards.
We pour all our effort into trying to achieve happiness.
Yet the smallest hiccup can diminish all that, and we feel sad again.

Does it work the other way?
Why is sadness viewed so negatively?
Can we be sad just because we are?If
We view sadness as an ideal, as a perfect emotion to work towards,
We pour all our effort into trying to achieve sadness,
The slightest hiccup of happiness happens,
What will we feel, happy or sad?

wouldn't you like to be a child again?

Making the most out of nothing

Hit on several ideas recently, some of them feasible, others not that feasible. Some of them hold great opportunities, some of them are closer to my dreams, some of them are beautiful ideas, some of them are pragmatic money-makers.

But all of them share one great thing in common; they started from nothing more than a figment of my imagination. I'm glad that I've begun thinking bigger and thinking wider, and now I can't wait to start.

Today I added a new experience to my huge collection of vague abilities; making a photo-montage-video. To other people it might seem like nothing, but believe me when I tell you it took me a lot of work to get my head round it. So here I have my product, scaled down to make its size much more manageable. It isn't the greatest piece of work, but hey, it's mine!



When I'm more competent at doing that I'll move on to videos, so buckle up, sit tight, and prepare yourselves! Okay maybe you can relax now, it'll probably take a month or so for that to actually happen. And sitting so tightly for that long isn't good for the body. Loosen up, my friends.

I'm continuing my work on all my other endeavours. It's going to be really hard work to learn so many things in such a short time, but I'm going to try anyway. Wish me luck! (Maybe several months down we'll see the product of all this work. Either that, or you'll see me depressed and begging for money. Hmm...)

Was this once yours?

Ever got frustrated when people go for the nice-looking and interesting, instead of the dull and staid, even though they might be exactly the same thing/person/idea?
Ever thought about the difference between the stories of NTUC Fairprice and ShopnSave?
I have the answer!
Would you go for these,

or these?


----

Grabbing and going

Neglect?



What did you look at first, the coke or what was beyond?
Would you go for the coke?
Or would you look at what's behind?

Go where the grass grows..

Watching the cow give a bucked-tooth grin at me while his face was getting pricked by the thorny grass made me realise one thing. It wasn't about the grass, and how it appeared to so many other cows that mattered. It was about how our dear friendly and happy cow felt about the grass that mattered. Many times we face obstacles constructed not by ourselves, but by those around us.

Negativity is a powerful tool. In a crowd of optimistic cows, all it takes is a small, negative cow to say no, to drag them back to pessimism. The happy cow told me this,"This world is full of all types of grass. You must learn to find your own grass. Stay with the herd, and the only grass you get will be the same grass you have been sharing with the herd all this while. They may tell you it is tasty, but only because that is all that they have.

"In your quest for your perfect grass, you will taste the most bitter grass ever grown. You will taste the sharpest blades known to all cows. You will tread on rocks and sharp stones. But the day that you find your own pasture with your favourite grass, all that pain will be worth it. Seek your own pasture, for there is where you'll find the best grass."

I have been part of my herd all my life. They have provided me with shelter and grass, companionship and support. Many cows in the herd speak of the grass we have as being the best there is, and talk about the perils of wandering beyond, about the dangers that make a journey out hardly worth the effort. But after listening to the happy cow, I began to look at the lives of the cows within the herd.

Mandy was one of the cows whom I'd known all my life. She was a hardworking, determined cow who loved to offer her milk for contribution to the herd's total. Mandy was one of the most loyal cows I'd ever known. She was a staunch believer that the leader cows were the ones who had proven themselves with their knowledge and experience, and she listened to every word they said. Because of this, she had the firm belief that the grass our herd now grazed on, was the best there was. I remember she told me once, that she once thought of venturing to look for new pastures, but never did so. Maybe it was because she felt safe here, with those leader cows looking over our pasture. Yet when I saw her again that day, she seemed weary and tired, but contented. Perhaps it was because of the dreams she had sacrificed, just to spend her life producing milk for the herd. And looking at her, I didn't know what to feel; respect or regret.

Carl, on the other hand, was one of the laziest cows I'd ever seen. He was fat and sloppy, with reams of skin bulging from beneath him. I hated him. Often, when all the cows were busy giving their fair share of milk, he would be laying down in the shade somewhere, slowly grinding several blades of grass with his lazy teeth. He was a delinquent, a burden and a total slob. It was only because of cows like Mandy, who worked extra hard, that we managed to meet our monthly milk targets. Carl wasn't always this lazy. I remember him being energetic and bubbly when he was younger. Somewhere along the way, I guess Carl realised that he could get away with being a total loser. He probably thought that since he could just drift through life without putting in any hard work, he would. Honestly, I hated cows like that. There was this one time where the leader cows tried to scold him and nudge him along, but all he did was grunt and roll over. It was because of cows like Carl, that the other cows who deserved better, cows like Mandy, had to work harder and suffered at their expense.

--will be continued-

Seeing is believing

Perspectives
do you believe,

or do you doubt?

Go where the grass grows.

That Gut Feeling
If someone tells you that you cant, will you believe him?
If somebody told you to give up, would you?
If some person said you could never make it, would you still try?

If someone comes up to you and says you can, will you believe him?
If somebody tells you that you're on the right path, will you doubt him?
If some person said you could change the world, would you try?

What if that somebody was someone you have trusted your whole life?
What if that someone was inside of you?

We are so affected by other people sometimes we forget that the best person to guide ourselves might have been residing inside all this while. Sometimes being obstinate might be a good thing after all.



When you think that it can be done, would you try?
When you think it needs to be done, would you attempt?
Would you be the first to try, or the first to follow?

The movers shape the world for the others to follow. When people complain and criticise, it's time to look into what went wrong. When groups of people with opposing views complain and criticise about the same issue, it's time to think about using your power wisely.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Or how about this,
What did you see yourself becoming, 5 years ago, in 2005?

To be honest, I didn't think about that at all when I was 15. I am an advocate of dreams. It is only when we know where we want to go, that we know where we should be headed. I was talking to one junior bank officer (I came up with that term myself) recently, and she told me that it's easier to specialise if I'm choosing what to do.

If I read accountancy and get a job as an accountant, I would command a paycheck of 5 thousand in 5 years. If I was the sort of person more innately associated with banks, take banking and finance, and work in a bank. If I'm looking for a good pay, find a big company, such as Keppel, and work for it.

But it got me thinking. Have we become mechanical cows grazing on the grass of life till it runs out? Do we all work for money? Do we know what we really want?

I have utmost respect for people who know what they want, and who are driven towards it. Recently, I have heard stories about people breaking out of the vicious social cycle, and striking it out on their own just to do what they love, and meeting with success along the way. I believe we are programmed to slink into what is comfortable and stay there. In this case, it is going along with where the grass leads us to, without the urge to seek pastures which might suit our taste better, or which might be more opulent.

We will all die someday. Our feelings, emotions, dreams, hopes, thoughts will all be trapped in a soul-less carcass, all that powerful energy unknown to all but ourselves. It is your birthright to have dreams. It is your power to find joy in what you do; or the other way round, to do what you find joy in doing. It is important that we look for a pasture to call our own. It is vital that we seek our niches.

I am a mechanical cow now, and I will not deny that all my life, I have been one. But a happy cow walked by and told me about the green and fresh grass he eats everyday, so I walked over, and saw this field of thorny blades which repulsed me. He stood in the middle of this giant field, chomping happily without a care for how those thorns pricked his face and feet. And then it hit me. What works for someone else might not work for you; I had to find my own brand of grass, a pasture to call my own.

-- will be continued -

Regards
TJ

i will wait till the colours fade

the world goes speeding past
the cars fade like streaks
but she waits
patiently.

legs crossed, bag clutched tightly under her arm
a whiff of wind speeds past
swirling airs catches the wisps of stray hair
another car disappears from sight.

time is stone still
around her the world moves
serenity is peace, inside herself
and she waits
patiently.

Free advert

finding work? want a job but can't seem to get one? Don't fret, we have a solution for you! Call now for an interview! But remember, it's only a pant time job... you've gotta find the rest of them apparel yourself.

borrrred. work harder, work harder.
yes master, yes master.

just another day

I was walking down the road
when i saw this little toad.
he was slimy and a little green
but boy, did he look mean.

he stared at me with those beady eyes
spread apart and kinda over-sized.
he growled and snarled, throat bursting at the seams
and boy, did he look really mean.

as i gazed at him it reminded me
of a little man that i once went to see.
he was three feet tall with really huge feet
with a big top hat and a mole on his cheek.

'Howdy!' he said, as i went up to him
his chins trembling like a nervous limb.
there was a shaky grin which stretched across his cheek
his brilliant white teeth lined up and neat.

i remember his eyes; oh how full of emotion they were!
full of joy, laughter and sinister anger.
they spoke volumes and tomes of words
but those eyes were dark like turds.

from afar you could see the black swimming sea
twirling and swirling like a buzzing bee.
they shook and vibrated as he teemed with anger
while his mole was still pushed by the stretch of his lips.
--

i was walking down the road and i walked past this.
and did it look familiar! hmm...


bumper cars

learning focus

too much telly


i'm getting old!

someone teach me how to focus properly.. please?

The forgotten men

There was a bell in the hall. It used to ring everyday at 7 in the morning, a reminder that well, it was 7. The bell was bright red in its heyday. I remember the curved and shiny figure hanging by the door of classroom C-5. People loved it. In its time, there were banners hung all around it; words and greetings scribbled by its side; lovers pledging their love across the bell at 7. Sometimes I wonder how those poor lovers are doing now.

The bell lay hanging from the two rusty screws that still held onto the powdered brick wall. It cut a solemn figure, its once-bright hues now faded to a pale pink. From where I was standing, I could see the houses that age and decadence had built on it. Strands of silver webs and gray flecks of dust had sprouted like weeds all around its lonely shape, like a grand king brought down by age and the shaking of his hands.

Below the bell was a wall, and a wide open space which served as the subway to our classes. The sparkling floor dutifully scrubbed each day was the tarmac from which our lives slowly took form from. I leaned forward to take a closer look. There were the little signs of its brilliance beneath the film of age that had taken its toll. It was like looking at treasure in murky waters - its shape and beauty reduced to but the slightest and occasional peek. How many years had passed!

The daylight used to swarm in swathes into the corridors, bathing the hallway in a warm, orange glow, as the shadows painted a silhouette of life, its pictures jumping around with laughter and caprice. It was in the shadows where lives were created. If you looked closely, you could see the emotions in the little black men that inhabited the floors. They smiled and cried; laughed and teared - they were the people of the halls.
----

I must learn how to use a camera properly - now it's all random pictures of everything. Hah.


climb and fly; run and tumble; but get up and you'll do fine

Baked pigs can't snort

Hello I'm sorry, kind-of lazy to update really (which is another way of saying my life is too boring it'll wrinkle dry the eyes of whoever sets his/her set of brimming jewels onto a clump of alphabets which describe the staid fable of my days)

Up for some.. ham??


hmmmm...

A dream and some faith

patiently waiting for the seats to fill up.
it won't be quick, but it'll be worth it.

oh how i hate it sometimes

We think about many things in the course of our day. I know I do. Every tiny decision, every random thought, every visual or audible observation, they all seem to give rise to these questions.
We are philosophers, every single one of us. Often that side of us goes unnoticed, quietly humming away at the back of our heart (or brain, or liver, or kidney, or spleen, depends on which era you belong to), but we cannot deny his/her existence. It seems too important that we have a reason for whatever we are doing; we seek a basis for our actions. We receive knowledge and advice, opinions and thoughts and we ask why. We are practitioners of philosophy, whether we know it or not. Some find philosophy a distant movement, a blur too far away to comprehend, but is it really so? The very basis by which we live, be it individual, societal or universal, can and should be questioned, if only to understand ourselves better. Your opinions count simply because they belong to you. We are servants of ourselves, and we can hardly deny that.

I'm working on something new, but it's really long, and so it'll take really long, considering I'm past a large number of words, but I'm still on the very first point. Now that I've got to do up answers to questions posed to me in 2 weeks, I'm guessing that big piece of work won't be up until a little while later, but it's all good.

Are you an idealist (not in the idealist vs materialist sense), a pragmatist, or a realist? Sometimes I have really high hopes for myself, hopes that come in varied and numerous forms, many of which I subscribe to, keen on pushing myself towards that end result I so cherish. But when you have too many things that you love on your plate, what do you eat first? Can you finish it all? What happens if one of them turns out rotten?

'happiness is self-inducing; it is up to us'

Hey

we've gotta be a little happier!


even the chilli's smiling!

alright, some guy who has years of experience said wordpress is many times better, maybe i'll go try it out.
working on a new post.

Hello

I just found out about a stupid advertisement by 金坷垃, some chinese fertiliser company promoting their product. haha how bad can an advert get?

alright, i really have the urge to make a lengthy post soon, so maybe i'll do it tomorrow. i've just witnessed one of my long-term dreams taking a hit, but i won't be held back by my failure.
I'm beginning to think i need to organise my time better from now on; i'm wasting too much precious time away on redundant issues, and there's absolutely no time to waste, especially right now.

headlights flashing
we keep running
from a plague
of sadness here

there were those high hopes
of a great tomorrow
all crashing down
like the waves at sea

i dream, i feel
i thought.. i could
but it all comes down like a wall
burning,
like the dry autumn leaves
feeling,
those hopes all dashed and dead
a soaring bird who's lost his way
bluffed by crows and humming bees

--
Whirr of leaf blades
scything through the summer wind
a towering sense of misfortune
or a poor judge of biased emotions